he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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