Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
