I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
