I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
