Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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