security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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