I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
COCAINE IS GR8
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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