Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
