theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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