I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
