please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
