If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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