I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
