I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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