I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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