Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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