So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
