she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
