I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
