Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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