I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
