He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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