I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
