i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
