I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
