We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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