Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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