i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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