I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
