glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
