...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize