We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
