The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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