Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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