Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
