just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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