I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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