Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
