you will always have a special place in my vag
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
