I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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