If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant