i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
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she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
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could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude