Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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