I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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