I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
