You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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