My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
