Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
