I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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