You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My vagina just recognized that song.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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