I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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