My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
