Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
