I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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