He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
