actually, I'm a sock model
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
