Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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