i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
