My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
