I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
