The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
