you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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