she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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