If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
